In the End Pavlov Saw Only Bells and Saliva

Cameron Hayes
In the End Pavlov Saw Only Bells and Saliva, 
oil on linen, 2 panels
overall size: 82 x 100 inches
Photo: Hermann Feldhaus
Courtesy Ronald Feldman Fine Art, New York

In the end Pavlov saw only bells and saliva

Pavlov proved that animals want to do as little thinking as possible.  He proved animals will accept an easy substitute over something real but difficult.  His dogs were satisfied with the sound of a bell, rather than looking for or fighting for food.


In his last years, Pavlov dreamed of a world where all people were trained to be satisfied with substitutes rather than real things.

Pavlov himself and everything he owned was always covered in saliva because when he rang his bells, all his laboratory animals became over-filled with saliva, as though they were feasting on a giant meal. Animals soon were happy to just only create and swallow their own saliva.

On National Science Day, Pavlov put on an exhibit of saliva and bells at Red Square.  There was a parade of fit kiddies ringing bells to start the saliva sprinklers made from deers.



A dog fountain was made from putting food in dogs’ mouths and repeating the process after the food had fallen through the holes in the dogs’ throats into the saliva pool below.


There was an exhibit to show that animals will crave anything if they can suck it through an udder, and a race to demonstrate which part of the body reacts to an attractive woman.

Pavlov’s dodgy brother set up a stand claiming he could train the body to lose weight with the sound of a bell; he called himself Dr. Elephant Man.

Men gathered around to watch a mouse circle a pole and felt compelled to put money in bras tied up on a clothes line.

The top panel is Pavlov’s heaven where everything is made of hay, and the Russian police just ring a special bell to make you see brick, metal, and skin and feel happy, anxious, or sad.


What happens when pretend politicians pretend to be terrorists

What happens when pretend politicians pretend to be terrorists

Cameron Hayes
What Happens When Pretend Politicians Pretend to Be Terrorists, 2011
Oil on linen
66 x 136 inches
Photo: Bill Orcutt
Courtesy Ronald Feldman Fine Arts, New York

In the week of the 2007 Australian federal election, it was clear that the Liberal Party were going to lose power to The Labor Party after 11 years in government. The electorate of Lindsay was made up of middle to lower earning white Australians with pockets of immigrants and first generation Australians from the Middle East. The seat was held by Jackie Kelly for 11 years, but she was retiring and hoping to pass the seat onto a Liberal Party colleague, Karen Chijoff, on the Thursday before Saturday’s election. The husbands of Kelly and Chijoff were seen putting pamphlets in the Lindsay voters’ letter boxes.

The husbands had invented THE ISLAMIC AUSTRALIA FEDERATION. They printed pamphlets from this fake organization, thanking the Labor Party for seeking clemency for terrorists, building more mosques in Llndsay, and for supporting the Bali bombers. The husbands put the fake pamphlets in letterboxes in the poorest white areas.

This painting is about what happened in the local girl’s school and the local shopping mall when the white parents thought that the “Islamic Australia Federation” was targeting Lindsay to be an Islamic/Sharia enclave, with mosques on every corner, bombs in every bus shelter, and most frightening, women with scarves on their heads. The white fear of Lindsay becoming Islamic spread to the schools and made the most vulnerable (Muslim girls) the most accountable for the fear. The Muslim girls already in semi-denial were forced to completely deny their identity.

They had to leave home in traditional dress and change at bus stops and the shopping mall, semi-naked in front of predatory white men – cleaners, gardeners, and business men. The girls had to hunt around shopping malls for the cheapest possible versions of non – Muslim dress: singlet tops, short shirts, high heels, and brand names. While their parents, particularly their fathers, did laps at the mall, anti-clockwise, oblivious to the children’s struggle.

Once the girls had given up their identity and started to desire to be someone else, they became nothing and extremely vulnerable to drugs, alcohol, boys, and brands.

Discovery of a King’s grave, Cranbourne

Discovery of a King’s grave, Cranbourne

Discovery of a King’s grave, Cranbourne

In May 2005 Shane and Kelly O’Dwyer found a grave using their metal detectors. A few days later they came back to the site on the outskirts of Cranbourne only metres from a disused public toilet. They dug up the grave to find centuries old pots and cutlery and a crown. The media came to photograph the pots and cutlery and to photograph the O’Dwyers standing with their metal detectors besides the pots and cutlery . The crown belonged to a king who’s skeletal remains were of only passing interest to the O’Dwyer’s dog – Terry.

The Massacre at Young before it was called Young 1861

The flag cape was established as an Australia icon at the Massacre at Lambing Flat. Our tradition of decorating our most primitive and crude impulses as political action was established there.

The white miners had come from Europe as proven failures at home, they had believed the unverifiable lies of easy gold in Australia and most importantly hung on to the childish myth of their own luck despite the mass of evidence against it.

The gold rush attracted to Australia every half- wit in the world with a belief that they were owed more from the world than they had. The goldminers had invested too heavily that Australia would be their lucky country. Luck being a euphemism for “god loves me more than the next person “. Australian’s fear that they are not lucky and that foreigners would come from overseas to prove it, started at Lambing flat.

Australian’s did not believe – that some of the poorest mothers in the world with only their children as objects of value would sail on broken down boats across oceans to an hour from the Australian coast. so that they could drown their children – for political reasons. The Australian’s who chased Lebanese teenagers from the Cronulla beach tuck shop did not do it for political reasons and the miners who killed and chased the Chinese miners of lambing flat did it because of the completely fragile hope that their specialness/luck existed and that it depended on it not being shared/halved/divided.


Before there was a terrorist in a cake shop everyone was afraid of what came out of the water ; sharks, stingrays, refugees, blue ring octopus ect….Australians grow up believing that they are the lucky country , everything they have is because of good luck, nothing they have is earned so nothing they have is owned. So everything they have is illegitimate –  subject to a change of luck – subject to a change in circumstances.

Before there was a terrorist in a cake shop Australians feared that eventually the unlucky people from the unlucky countries would come and bring their wars, their hunger , their poverty and their queues. A plague of experimented on rabbits; Indian dancing bears , tortured TV animals, baby drowning muslim mothers and card box living Phillipinos can’t be held out much longer by the shark net that surrounds Australia’s waters and the handful of lifesavers that surround Australia’s beaches .


In Australia people are so afraid of the water that they make bridges that go in circles and on those bridges people drag their yachts along the roads, they pile their sealess yachts on top of each other to make luxury seaside apartments looking out on the water they will not sail on.


Before there was a terrorist in a cake shop Australian’s favourite pastime was to tell each other how lucky they are compared to other countries. They hold big raffles where the first prizes are ; the ability to have children, running water, or a free and healthy press. Everybody has a ticket but nobody can tell you where you can’t have a child or turn on a tap and Melbourne has two newspapers and one of them is the Herald Sun. It’s like an old T.V. commercial for Gumbaya Park where you could go to play chasey or do push ups or play totem tennis providing you bring your own totem tennis pole.


Like most criminals and lottery winners Australians have a semi-conscious guilt that they are taking more from the world that they are worth. Rituals that dress up dress up the rest of the world as corrupt are important to us ; Muslims dressed as baby drowners, dolphins dressed as sharks, seventh day Adventists as baby sacrificers , Sudanese kids as the apex gang ect…

Australians are simultaneously bonded and excited by their fear of their coming bad luck , they go to Lunar Park and stand in two buckets of water and are encircled by a carousel of dolphins wearing fake shark teeth and tied on shark fins. After that they can relax in their second favourite pastime – shouting things out of the windows speeding cars at minorities walking on the footpath.

Amongst all the fossil fuels, beautiful beaches , blue skies and all those sheep and suntans Australians can’t fully enjoy their luck – like children held hostage in a chocolate shop.

Even dung beetles eventually realise that there will be plenty of dung where they finish rolling their dung……

The goldfields in the 1850’s were a magnet for everyone in the world who thought they were lucky. People on the goldfields preferred to put their lives in the hands of luck rather than in a plan they thought they could carry out. These people would tell you they’re lucky but really, they didn’t back their ability to succeed fairly.
The biggest problem on the goldfields was that everyone else on the goldfields thought they were lucky too, and like praying for sports results, they can’t all be rewarded. At the heart of every gambler is a question to god “will I be punished for who I am or will I be rewarded for who I am?” So, the miner’s were looking for more than gold. Because there were thousands of sperm against you and only your sperm fertilised the egg, people are born with an unconscious belief in their specialness – their luck. In the middle of the picture there is a racecourse and gamblers bet on a race between babies (pink sperm) rolling big balls of unfertilised (white) sperm along a track all broken up by the constant digging of the earth.
At night, the earth of the womanless goldfields is saturated by the miners unfertilised sperm and at night the miners are terrorised by their dreams of white – unfertilised sperm re-evaporating from the dug-up earth and chasing the miners back into their luckless tunnels. Above the race track a mind reader (the most popular entertainment on the gold fields) performs. The idea that someone can read their minds was proof to the goldminers of their specialness and confirmed an infantile megalomania that convinces gamblers that their luck is greater than anyone else’s.
Above this scene happy fat sheep are being taken care of not by a Sheppard but by a butcher, they’re unable to notice the knives that hang above them.
Prostitutes had a dual role on the goldfields. They were the creators of un-special white sperm, a constant affirmation of the miner’s special pink – fertilised – sperm status. Prostitutes also contribute to the atmosphere of latent rebellion amongst the miners on the goldfields. Goldminers pursue financial success against logic and social class and without intelligence and morality, while prostitutes reward men with sex who are without logic, social class, intelligence and morality.. Winning gamblers corrupt the financial system – prostitutes the social system.
The rebellion against common sense extends into the distance where the miners are tearing down the racecourse grand stand to use the wood to make the racecourse longer. then taking the wood from the only hospital to make a new casino.
The casino is being built on stilts in the river which is steadier foundation than the ground which has been dug up and re-dug up by the miners who keep rolling their dug up dirt into bigger and bigger balls of earth. They are too scare to look into their balls of earth they are forever accumulating for fear of finding no gold in their work, no gold in their mine, no gold in their mother’s womb.



The Moomba parade celebrates Australian communities and culture. Floats (decorated utes and backyard trailers )drive down the main street of Melbourne and celebrate significant historical events like the landing of the first fleet and the driving down the main street of Melbourne by previous year’s floats.

In the end of the Moomba parade there is a float celebrating the children overboard of 2001 followed by the fake pamphlet scam of the 2007 federal election and the death of Azaria Chamberlian in 1980. The tall giraffe floats  celebrate our fear of African gangs.

Representatives of ethnic communities grab at our power lines to fill up their toasters and tvs with our natural resources. The whole parade is followed at the back by aboriginal wheelchair ballerinas to celebrate our ability to celebrate their achievments in sport and cultures in order to ignore their more expensive problems.